please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
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The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?