Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of surrealvehicle's best tweets

@surrealvehicle : [Games store] ME: Do you sell chess sets? SALES ASSISTANT: I'll check mate.

@surrealvehicle: VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh...DAYLIGHT!

ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.

@surrealvehicle: ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I've lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

@surrealvehicle: [Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn't exactly a glowing reference

ME: You're supposed to read it in the dark stupid

@surrealvehicle: [Lingerie store]

ME: I'd like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I'd prefer new ones.