[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
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ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all