@susie_qsie

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

@susie_qsie

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

@susie_qsie

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

@susie_qsie

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

@susie_qsie

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

@susie_qsie

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.