Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
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Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
#ProTip
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late