[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
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GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
*pronounces surface like Versace*
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.