Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.