2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
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[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.