My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
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If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG