Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
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DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.