*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
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4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
$4 #usedbooks
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.