I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
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People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Lmao
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in