Daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Him: my name is Robert but my friends call me Bob, you can call me whatever you like.
Me: Cool, nice to meet you Nachos.
I wear a neck brace to the gym because it makes my physical ineptitude less embarrassing.
Daughter just told me, “Dad, I don’t make sandwiches, I eat sandwiches.”
One day her picture will be on money.