Garden of Eden pssshht, you’re gonna need cheese and not an apple to tempt me.
Him: I thought you said your resolution was to stop drinking wine.
Me: no, I said I was going to stop BUYING wine *hands him back his credit card* you bought these.
I never understood “baby” as a term of endearment – like am I cute and innocent or there’s a chance I may cry a lot and make a huge mess in my pants. I need answers.
Cook for your kids and they’ll eat and not help clean up.
Teach your kids to cook and they’ll eat and not help clean up a way worse mess.
Him: this isn’t working out
Me: *sitting under the squat rack eating a donut* yes, I’m aware
I’m a good mom, but not a “not gonna chuckle to myself when you get hurt doing something I told you not to do” good mom.
Do you buy white shoes for your children or do you have common sense?
Tired of getting along with your family? Miss your sweet children screaming at each other? Ask your doctor if Game Night™️ is right for you!
Aragorn: “You have my sword.”
Legolas: “And my bow.”
Gimli: “And my axe.”
Me: “And my children, all of them – ok at least just one. Wait, where are you all going?”
The last time I cleaned my teenagers room, I found an empty bottle of lotion under his bed. So yeah like I said, the last time I clean his room. EVER.