Me: Alexa, take me back to a time before I said that stupid thing.
Alexa: which one?
Keanu Reeves: *in an Uber* there is a bomb in this car and you have to keep the speed above 55 mph.
Prius driver: oh no
“once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like “once my kids clean their rooms.”
If you end a work email with “hope this helps” what you really meant to say was “if you don’t understand now, you’re a moron.”
Garden of Eden pssshht, you’re gonna need cheese and not an apple to tempt me.
Him: I thought you said your resolution was to stop drinking wine.
Me: no, I said I was going to stop BUYING wine *hands him back his credit card* you bought these.
I never understood “baby” as a term of endearment – like am I cute and innocent or there’s a chance I may cry a lot and make a huge mess in my pants. I need answers.
Cook for your kids and they’ll eat and not help clean up.
Teach your kids to cook and they’ll eat and not help clean up a way worse mess.
Him: this isn’t working out
Me: *sitting under the squat rack eating a donut* yes, I’m aware
I’m a good mom, but not a “not gonna chuckle to myself when you get hurt doing something I told you not to do” good mom.