Aragorn: “You have my sword.”
Legolas: “And my bow.”
Gimli: “And my axe.”
Me: “And my children, all of them – ok at least just one. Wait, where are you all going?”
The last time I cleaned my teenagers room, I found an empty bottle of lotion under his bed. So yeah like I said, the last time I clean his room. EVER.
Murderer: any last words?
Me: It’s fine, go ahead
Murderer: *eyes widen*
Me: no really, you’re gonna do what you want anyway. I can’t stop you.
Murderer (who has been married 20 years): nope, I’m good *runs away*
My son told my daughter to feed the dogs and she responded “in a minute.” He said if it needed to be done in a minute, he would have asked her in a minute and all of a sudden he was wearing white New Balance shoes and carrying a leafblower.
I’m guessing whoever coined the phrase “no news is good news” obviously did not have children that were playing quietly in their rooms.
A Swiss army knife, but one that has a tool that closes your mouth when you’re about to say something stupid.
I don’t always ignore my husband, but when I do it’s because he’s talking about crossfit. Oh wait, I guess that means I do always ignore him.
Can’t. Bribing my kids to dress up as mimes for Halloween this year so I have one evening of quiet.
The toilet handle is lava
Since we’re not trick or treating this year, I’m making the kids run around the block every time they want candy.
Related, you can eat eat 12 fun-size snickers in the time it takes your kids to run around the block.