@sweetmomissa

Aragorn: “You have my sword.”

Legolas: “And my bow.”

Gimli: “And my axe.”

Me: “And my children, all of them – ok at least just one. Wait, where are you all going?”

@sweetmomissa

The last time I cleaned my teenagers room, I found an empty bottle of lotion under his bed. So yeah like I said, the last time I clean his room. EVER.

@sweetmomissa

[Being murdered]

Murderer: any last words?

Me: It’s fine, go ahead

Murderer: *eyes widen*

Me: no really, you’re gonna do what you want anyway. I can’t stop you.

Murderer (who has been married 20 years): nope, I’m good *runs away*

@sweetmomissa

My son told my daughter to feed the dogs and she responded “in a minute.” He said if it needed to be done in a minute, he would have asked her in a minute and all of a sudden he was wearing white New Balance shoes and carrying a leafblower.

@sweetmomissa

I’m guessing whoever coined the phrase “no news is good news” obviously did not have children that were playing quietly in their rooms.

@sweetmomissa

A Swiss army knife, but one that has a tool that closes your mouth when you’re about to say something stupid.

@sweetmomissa

I don’t always ignore my husband, but when I do it’s because he’s talking about crossfit. Oh wait, I guess that means I do always ignore him.

@sweetmomissa

Can’t. Bribing my kids to dress up as mimes for Halloween this year so I have one evening of quiet.

@sweetmomissa

Since we’re not trick or treating this year, I’m making the kids run around the block every time they want candy.

Related, you can eat eat 12 fun-size snickers in the time it takes your kids to run around the block.