Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
You Might Also Like
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
No one :
Me when I swimming :
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.