shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
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Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Introverted vegans go meetless
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY