95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
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Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
scenes of unspeakable carnage
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this