I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
You Might Also Like
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday