Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
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U talkin 2 me?
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
This dude got his own movie?
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.