HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
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Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones