Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
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So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I’d love this…lol
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.