if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
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My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
The biggest mystery of our time
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.