Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
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if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time