HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
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Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
new year update: losing everything but weight
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
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