The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
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Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*