I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
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Probably my best painting.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.