Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
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My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
bears
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Is anyone gonna tell them?
LOL
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*