Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
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Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.