Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
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[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
had to share :’)
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
me when i see my girls butt
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t