By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
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Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first