I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
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If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.