Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
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She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off