so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
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-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
LMAO
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there