@tangledteatime

Me: Let me pet your dogs, mister!

Him: Not you again. Get outta here!

[LATER]

Me: *wearing moustache* Excuse me sir

@tangledteatime

Me: Alright. Does everyone have their parachutes?

Paul: Yup.

Dave who sometimes lies for fun: *giggling* Yah.

@tangledteatime

Me: Am I your only friend?

Imaginary friend: Sure are!

Imaginary friend’s imaginary friend: Wow, I’m right here.

@tangledteatime

An eight year old offered to sell me drugs. Isn’t that disgusting? Why would I pay when I can just beat him up and take them? He’s EIGHT.

@tangledteatime

Him: Your jokes just aren’t relatable to most people.

Me: *angrily binges on caviar*