If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
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Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?