Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
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If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Cool shirt 🙂
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.