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Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
good work, detective
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.