Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
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If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.