I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
You Might Also Like
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
also my go-to takeaway order
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Everyone’s family
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]