*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
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Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”