*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
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When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
All. The. Damn. Time.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.