My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
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[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese