I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
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Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.