Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
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Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
no refunds
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready