At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
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Woke up against my better judgement again
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Every. Damn. Time.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
what?