Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
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*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!