@tealbluejay

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

@tealbluejay

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

@tealbluejay

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

@tealbluejay

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

@tealbluejay

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.