I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
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*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.