The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
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You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
my first day as a raccoon
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.