[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
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Why are bridges so flammable.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.