Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
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if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
the #horror is real!
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.